


In my universe

by azrapseluar



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anal Sex, Angst, Best Friends, Child Abuse, Childhood Friends, Dates, Dysfunctional Family, First Time, Fluff, M/M, My First Fanfic, New guy - Freeform, Oral Sex, Past Sexual Assault, Weekend Getaway
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-19
Updated: 2017-07-18
Packaged: 2018-11-07 18:48:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11064966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/azrapseluar/pseuds/azrapseluar
Summary: It all starts with an innocent meeting at a bar, what will become of it has yet to be determined...





	1. Getting attention

**Author's Note:**

> Pleeeease be nice :D No serious this is my first work here and I know that just because I like the idea in my head doesn't mean that other people will like it. I am terrified sharing this with anybody, as I am sure some of you feel the same way.  
> Also note that the english language is not my first language, I am a lot better at speaking it than writing but I am looking forward to extend my writing skills during this project.
> 
> This story will have more than one Chapter, nonetheless I am not sure how many it will be at the end. Detective Ryan Lockstadt is a character I created myself, he is my main focus in this story. To find out more about him I will have to keep an writing and you will just have to bare with me.

Usually people go to a bar to socialize, to whatever extent they may choose. Some people need at least a small amount of alcohol in their blood to open up, which is easily accessible in a bar. To be the only person sitting alone, fading out everything and everyone else around them does eventually make you stick out of the crowd. This middle aged, very well-dressed men with a glass of Scotch in his hand had caught Ryan’s attention a few minutes ago. The young man doesn’t remember seeing the other guy enter the bar, so he doesn’t know how long he has been sitting there only focused on the liquor in front of him. The young man was unsure whether this sight was to be saddened or to be impressed by. To be in a bar full of very attractive people, where the usual game plan was to find someone to go home with that night and to not have the slightest interest in a conversation is remarkable. Leaning against a wall, a beer bottle in his hand, surround by a group of friends, Ryan had stopped paying attention to the conversation that was going on around him. His eyes only focused straight ahead at the lonely man. He had been starring, there was no nicer way of putting it, at the man for at least ten consecutive minutes. He had seen other guests try and fail miserably talking to the lonesome stranger. The most recognition one of the contestants got was a smile before the man once again turned to his scotch. Was he really that hard to get? Why come to a bar in the first place? Why come to this bar at all? Ryan was burning with curiosity and he is considering accepting the challenge to have this man exchange words with him for more than five seconds, which looking at the record seemed impossible. Keeping in mind the expensive looking suit and the top shelf scotch, a boring one liner is not going to get him far. With everybody else in this bar but not that man.

It was intimidating, however after Ryan had excused himself from his group of friends he couldn’t stop walking towards the bar. Still no idea of what to say he set down next to him – no reaction whatsoever coming from the man, not even his eyes looking over. This was going to be a hard one to crack. Ryan ordered himself another beer. He was not nervous, because the worse that can happen to him was being ignored. “You do know that it is against all social-scientific conclusions to be drinking alone in a bar?” a slight grin on his face he gets a glimpse of some of the greenest eyes he has seen in a long time. “Is that so?” ‘Score! He can speak’ – a screaming voice of success in his head. However, a little disappointment about the unsatisfying answer. It’s a start at least.

  
„Yes, it is, see alcohol is supposed to help you become more socially interactive. That’s why people drink, am I right? “ No reaction other than a shoulder shrug – ‚Aaand.. I am out‘.  
This guy seems to have no desire for anything else than his Scotch and if that is so, so be it. Ryan will leave him to it than. „So, you do this often?“ all of the sodden a voice to his right, while the young man was ready to leave again. „Socializing in bars?“ And another question. Challenge completed, it was more than five seconds. Getting comfortable in his seat Ryan turns a little bit to his side, trying to get a better look at his new-found companion. That closer look was worth the try, because that man looks gorgeous not only from a distance. “Define often?” is his try of a smart remark.

  
“What does it tell you about a person who will admit to enjoying an occasional after-work beer with friends?” So far, the conversation is very one sided but Ryan can work with that.  
“Is it just with friends or are there other ambitions behind that drink?” A smile makes those green eyes light up even more. That guy seems to know it all. “I don’t see any shame in meeting new people.” Of course, people come to bars and clubs to hook up, there is nothing wrong with that. Nonetheless Ryan is not just going to admit that his only intention is to find someone to share the night with. He is not the male equivalent of a whore and will not anyone allow to think of him like that. Does he like to flirt? Yes, he does – arrest him for that. That tingling feeling you get in your stomach is one of the greatest thinks ever. Speaking of it, Ryan starts to feel exactly that.  
“Do you care for a drink?” the green-eyed man seems to change the subject, which Ryan has no problem with. Did he notice that Ryan had emptied yet another bottle of beer? Was he buying? Or was he trying to get rid of the young man? Either way Ryan nodded and there came two glasses of scotch. “I’m Rafael.” said the man how finally had a name to those green eyes. “Nice to meet you Rafael, I am Ryan.” Instead of awkwardly shaking hands they clinked their glasses together.

  
~*~

  
It was another case for the Detectives of SVU. A young woman was raped and brutally murdered in her apartment. None of the neighbors saw or heard anything. CSU found DNA at the crime scene but there were no hits in the database. Grasping for straws Detective Amanda Rollins and Detective Sonny Carisi headed over to a package delivery company, where they wanted to talk to one of the employees who was doing delivery in that neighborhood.  
“Excuse me are you the manager?” Detective Carisi approaches a man in a suit yelling around the room. “Who wants to know?” The Detectives don’t care for the guys attitude and show him their badges. “NYPD, we’re looking for a delivery man who was working the Upper West Side around 87th Street yesterday. Can we talk to him?” Detective Rollins cuts the explanation short, not giving to much detail on why they want to talk to the man.

  
Reluctantly the manager picks up a clipboard that was sitting on top of a box in front of him. “87th?“ he repeats. “Talk to Anderson. He is back there.” Already busy yelling at his employees the manager points at a young man in the back who is loading packages onto a delivery truck. Dressed in beige Cargo shorts and a blue Polo shirt the young man hasn’t noticed the two Detectives walking towards him. “Hey are you Anderson?” Detective Carisi manages to get the man’s attention, only to have him running a second later. “Now why do they always do that?” an annoyed growl coming out of Detective Rollins mouth while her partner already started the chase. “NYPD – Stop!” Carisi yells while he is right behind the man, only to notice that the guy starts picking up the pace. They come out of an alleyway behind the delivery ramp of the store, running across the street with heavy traffic into another alleyway. Because Carisi is behind the guy he can’t see that guy he is chasing is smiling, clearly enjoying this, not once looking back because he knows the cop is right at his heels. They come closer to the next street, with again a lot of traffic. This time it doesn’t work out well for Anderson because an oncoming car causes him to slow down if he doesn’t want to risk getting run over. This puts him in arms reach of the Detective behind him and he takes his chance. They both fall to the ground but that’s not the end of this chase now that Anderson is on the ground he is not going to surrender. Somewhere in the altercation Detective Carisi gets an Elbow to the nose, causing him to bleed instantly. “Stop resisting and put your hands behind your back!” Rollins has caught up to the two-man fighting, her weapon drawn. “Ok, ok, don’t shoot!” Carisi manages to get the man in handcuffs and picks him up from the ground. Their now suspect is again smiling, also with blood on his face from a cut on his eyebrow. “What’s so funny?” Detective Carisi pushes the guy against a wall to search him for weapons. “You sound pretty winded!” he makes fun of the Detective behind him. Carisi gives the handcuffs a got pull, causing some pain to the guys arms. “Why are you running from the police? You got anything to hide?” Rollins steps in while her partner continues the search. “Don’t want to make your job to easy, sweetheart” He says with a wink to Detective Rollins.

  
~*~

  
“So, what do we have on this guy? Any explanation why he was running?” Lieutenant Olivia Benson and her Team are standing in her office, facing the window to the interrogation room where Ryan Anderson is seated. “The guy’s name is Ryan Anderson, 34 years old, from New York City. He has a record but only misdemeanors.” Rollins gives a short summary from a file in her hands. “And he works in the area of our crime scene. Any other relations to the victim?” Lieutenant Benson follows up. “Nothing we could find.”  
“Alright Rollins and Carisi find out what the deal is with this guy.” They must talk to Anderson to find out more about him, maybe convince him to give them a DNA sample. “Lieutenant are you sure it’s a good idea to send Carisi in there? I can handle the guy” Rollins expresses her concern. Right away Carisi was offended by his co-worker’s worries, but didn’t have to say anything. “I am sure you can, Rollins, but I am convinced that you two interrogating him together will give us the best result. And we need something in this case!”

  
Ryan Anderson is still in handcuffs, he is now handcuffed to the table which he is sitting in front of, facing a mirror. He knows from the movies it is probably a window and he is being watch from the other side. Just when he is about to say something towards that direction a door to his left opens and the two Detectives who arrested him earlier walk in. He immediately starts smiling again, seeing the dried blood on Detective Carisi nose. His injury was poorly handled with a band aid, not that he wanted to complain. He watches the other man and the woman as she sits down opposite to him at the table while the Detective Carisi stands in the corner of the room. “Why did you run?” Rollins starts with the nice cop routine. “Still mad about that?” it seems impossible to get a straight answer out of this guy while he is again enjoying the show. “We just wanted to talk to you, but now we think you have something to hide, something bad.” Rollins keeps on going, not playing his game. “Something bad, like what? Ugly beige Cargo shorts? Is SVU investigating fashion crimes now?” Holding up his hands, laughing. Carisi paces over to the table, he has a file in his hands out of which he takes photos from the crime scene to hold them in front of Andersons face. “We were thinking something like rape and murder!” he shouts aggressively. Andersons face loses its cool, the smile is gone and he tries very hard not to look at the picture right in front of his eyes. “You got the wrong guy!”

  
“Yeah, then try again telling us why you were running!” Rollins takes the file out of Carisi’s hand and puts it on the table. Andersons face turns from Carisi to Rollins, saying the magic words. “I need to call my lawyer!”

About thirty minutes later there is a knock an Olivia Bensons office door. It is open, however the person knocking didn’t want to just barge in. “Come in.” she grants entrance. “Lieutenant Benson, I am Captain Neal from Narcotics Division, do you have a minute?” An older man in his late 50s, maybe early 60s wearing a cheap brownish suit walks into Lieutenant Bensons office. “Sure, Captain how can I help you?”

  
“It looks like you have one of my Detectives in custody.” Captain Neal causes a surprised look on Olivia Bensons face. “I am sorry Captain but I don’t think so.” A Detective under arrest, Olivia would know of that. “Well he is undercover so you probably have him under his alias Ryan Anderson.”

“He is a cop?” Carisi sounds just as surprised like Olivia first was when she found out. “Yes, he is undercover working the Delivery Company. His Captain promised their full cooperation. Apparently they have video footage from a hidden camera they are willing to give to us.” Explains in fewer words what Captain Neal has told her, not giving away too much of the case Narcotics is working an. “So we are back to scare one.” Carisi huffs while walking around Lieutenant Bensons Office. “Maybe the video footage will help us, but yes right now we have no suspect, no eye witnesses and no real evidence.” Cases like this one are frustrating for the whole team. In the interview room Detective Anderson was released of the handcuffs and his Captain is by his side, they’re both waiting on SVU, whether they can leave or not.

  
A few minutes later Rollins is escorting Captain Neal and his subordinate out of the interview room into the squad room. “We will send you the footage once we get to our office, thank you Detectives for possibly ruining our case.” The Captain snaps a little at Rollins, just because he can. Before she can reply anything, Detective Lockstadt steps between them. “Captain I think it’s for the best if I stay around here a little longer. It may look suspicious if I get released to early.”  
Trying to be polite to his superior and the team of SVU, Detective Lockstadt is caught in the middle. However, he knows what he is doing and getting back to his ‘job side’ only two hours after being arrested, that’s what will ruin the Narcotics case. “Alright.” Captain Neal agrees, acting like it was his idea. “I expect you to report to me first thing tomorrow morning.” Without waiting for an answer, the Narcotics Captain walks out of the Squad room. “He must be a handful.” Rollins mumbles while rolling her eyes. “He is a jerk!” Detective Lockstadt is not the kind of person to sugarcoat things. “Can I use one of your computers? I can access the video files through the server, that way you can check them out right now.” He is here on a serious business, so he doesn’t want to waste any time. “Sure, right over here, you can use my computer.” Rollins overs him her desk. Before even sitting down Detective Lockstadt notices the framed picture of Jesse, Rollins daughter. “Your daughter? Cute.” Rollins is not in the mood to talk to some stranger about her daughter so she only nods to inform the other Detective that his assumption was right. “Could you give me a minute?” Rollins was standing behind Lockstadt, watching over his shoulder while he was accessing the NYPD Database. “Kind of classified material. I will get you when I have the video you are looking for.” for protocol reasons he can’t have anyone checking the video server with him that is not of the Narcotics investigation.

Detective Rollins walks over to Carisi’s Desk who is still pouting over his bloody nose which he got from another fellow officer. “Your nose is fine, Carisi, stop being a baby about it.” Detective Carisi is looking at his reflection on his phone to check on his nose. “He didn’t have to sucker punch me. We could’ve just arrested him without him resisting.” Carisi pulled the tissue out of his nose because the bleeding had stopped a while ago, however he still talks kind of funny. “Who was resisting?” a voice asks, walking in to the bullpen. “Barba, I was just about to call you.” Lieutenant Benson joins the small group around Detective Carisi’s desk. “What did you want to talk to me about Liv? The last thing I heard is that you have a suspect in custody. And if I understood Carisi correctly he was resisting his arrest, so what do we have on him?” Assistant District Attorney Rafael Barba was informed of an arrest made by SVU in their rape/murder case, so he decided to come down to the station, to help out with whatever they needed from him like warrant for DNA or a Search warrant. Anything he could do to help solve this case, so he could start the prosecution. “Actually, it turns out he is not our suspect…” Olivia starts to explain before she is interrupted by Detective Lockstadt. “I have the file you want, we can watch it now.” Somehow Barba missed that unfamiliar face in the crowd. But he did manage to keep a straight face when Detective Lockstadt stepped closer. “Detective Lockstadt this is ADA Rafael Barba, assigned to SVU. Barba this is Narcotics Detective Ryan Lockstadt. Our suspect.” Lieutenant Benson makes the introduction. Little did she know those two men have met before. “Mr. Barba, nice to meet you.” Lockstadt immediately offers a handshake to the ADA. Of course, Ryan recognizes those green eyes, those lips…Trying not to get caught in the moment reminiscing the night before. He sure tries hard to act professional, unsure if he can pull it off. Rafael, or ADA Barba accepts the handshake without even flinching. “It is nice to meet you to, but I am a little bit confused. Would someone care to enlighten me?”

  
Olivia took on the task of explain the unexpected twist of events while they follow Detective Lockstadt to Rollins Desk. “I see.” A man of few words, Barba stays true to himself. Ryan can’t help but smirk a little, luckily without anybody noticing. “I pulled up the footage of that day. Now I can’t show you all of it, but you can have everything I got from 87th street. Its three hours complete. However, there is footage of me inside your victim’s apartment building. Now I already skipped through it, there is not a lot to go one. But knock yourself out.” When the video starts the timer shows that it is around 1 pm, the estimated time of the murder. “Well you guys have work to do, call me with an update.” Barba is already heading out again, trying to use this busy moment for a silent exit. “Will you excuse me for a second?” As soon as Detective Lockstadt gets off Rollins chair, she sits down continuing to watch the footage. “Barba, wait up.” The elevator door just closed before ADA Barba had a chance to get one, now he is pressing the button a little more aggressively than he wanted to. They are alone in the hall, Barba doesn’t remember this hall ever being so empty. He can feel Detective Lockstadt stand behind him, though he is not about to turn around. Waiting a few seconds to realize that, Detective Lockstadt accepts the position they’re standing in. “Look I just wanted to talk…” being cut off by Barba. “Don’t! There is nothing to talk about.”  
“I didn’t know…” again Barba doesn’t give him a chance to finish whatever he was going to say. “Kind of the point, isn’t it? Where good, ok? I didn’t know who you were and neither did you.”

  
There is no reason to follow Barba into the elevator, they said what they need to say, or at least Rafael did. Looking directly at each other throughout the medal doors sliding to a close.

A cup of coffee in front of him, sitting in the conference room, which was a lot nicer than the interview room, Detective Lockstadt was waiting for the time to pass. The team of SVU was nice enough to offer him a beverage and a room to wait in, while they were working. It was getting dark outside when Detective Carisi walked in. Returning ‘Mr. Andersons’ personal belongings, a phone and a wallet. “I think it’s safe now. Six hours in holding should look serious enough for people not to get suspicious.”

  
The coffee was cold, Detective Lockstadt had a long day working undercover and then sitting here, he was ready to go home. He retrieves his things from the paper bag, putting them back into the pockets of his pants. “Why did you hit me?” Carisi just has to ask. “I had to make it look real, you know? Have you ever been undercover?” Carisi nods. “So, you know what I mean, you play your part no matter what. Besides it was just a bloody nose.” Detective Lockstadt brushes it off as a joke, an act. He was acting. “You should try it sometimes. It’s really therapeutic.” Lockstadt got up, now standing next to Detective Carisi. “I hope you get the guy.” All the sudden all jokes were put aside. “I can’t believe I missed something like that. Maybe if I had payed more attention the girl could still be alive, you know?”

  
Realizing how vulnerable he had just made himself, Detective Lockstadt clears his throat, running his hand over his face. “Anyway…you should really try it Detective, like right now. Come one make it look good. I promise I won’t cry.” Taping a finger to the side of his face, he offers Detective Carisi a chanceon revenge for the bloody nose. However, Carisi waits a little too long. “Well maybe another time then.” He starts walking towards the door, leaving the conference room, when a strong hand graps his shoulder, forcing him to turn around, only to have a fist to his face within seconds. Detective Carisi got his revenge and he did indeed make it a good one.

  
~*~

  
It is not until a few days later that they meet again. At the bar. Ryan had been sitting at the bar by himself, silently drinking his beer. Today he was the lonesome stranger, ignoring all the people around him. “Shouldn’t you be celebrating?” A voice to his right suddenly appearing from nowhere. Getting a confused look Rafael continued. “Your case? Didn’t you just bust a mayor drug smuggling ring? Isn’t there some party you have to attend to?”

  
“It is not a party, it’s just some cops getting together, drinking way too much. Besides my Captain has this bad habit of busting out some karaoke when he is drunk. Trust me I am not missing out on anything.”

  
“Carisi really wasn’t lying.” The cut above the eyebrow and the dark coloring around Detective Lockstadts right eye are nothing to be missed.  
“About that?” pointing to his face. “He told you?” It did cause the whole team of SVU running into the conference room after Carisi had punched his fellow officer which caused him to lose his balance which resulted in him falling to the ground.  
“Actually, Lieutenant Benson told me, she said he knocked you out pretty good.”  
“He didn’t knock me out! He barely grazed me!”  
Looking very much amused Barba enjoyed Detective Lockstadt getting defensive. “That looks more than just being ‘barely grazed’. You were bleeding, weren’t you?”

“Shut up!” With a pouting face, Ryan takes a massive sip of his beer. “How about a drink?” Barba changes the subject. Without awaiting an answer, Rafael Barba orders to glasses of the top shelf scotch. “Salud!” They clink there glasses together before each taking a sip.  
Sitting in silent for a while, thinking about what they could say next, Ryan is the first one to pick up their conversation again. “I put in for a transfer.”  
“Why?”  
“Because it is time to move on. Been working for narcotics long enough. It’s what I do. I need to change things up every occasionally.”  
“So where do you want to go next?” What else is Barba going to reply? He doesn’t really know the guy, so he is not going to judge him.  
“There are a few open positions, I am not particular.”

  
“You are aware that, that sounded a little dirty?” A joke like that coming from Barba? This cannot be his first scotch of the day.

  
~*~

There is a knock on Lieutenant Bensons door. “Detective Lockstadt, come on in.”  
“I got your message, what did you want to talk to me about?” Closing the door behind him, Ryan steps closer to Olivia’s desk, where she is seated. “Well I heard you put in for a transfer.” He started after taking her glasses off. “That is correct.” Did she have him come down here just for that. “Well congratulations Detective Lockstadt…” She is taking an awful long pausing, causing him to raise his eyebrows in suspicion. “Welcome to SVU!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To actually put their first meeting in writing was more difficult than I thought. Barba is a great character on the show and I don't think I am good of recreating his style. Which is one of the reasons I put off writing this down for a while. But reading some very incredible fanfictions here made me realize that I don't have to get an exact replica of him for you to know what he is like. (If you get what I mean...)
> 
> Hope you enjoyed. Please leave comments, I am looking forward to your feedback! :)


	2. Side by side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His first month working at SVU is not easy. Ryan feels like he doesn't fit, but a proper knock on the head might change more than just one problem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I just posted the first chapter. Now I am running scared, checking every few minutes if people read it and/or comment. To keep me distracted I figured I am just going to keep on writing.  
> Please leave comments down below, I am very interested what you think and maybe you have some ideas of what I could do better  
> I am thinking maybe my summary is not good enough to get people to actually read my fic. Please let me know what you think.

To say it was a surprise is an understatement. What did Lieutenant Benson give the impression that Detective Lockstadt is a good fit for her team? Why did she choose him, when there were at least a dozen other available cops? Frankly Ryan was too scared to ask. He was sure, he didn’t really want to know. And it’s not like he had a choice. When Olivia Benson called him into her office, the decision was already made, paperwork filled. At least she was nice enough to give him a day to pack up his stuff at his old station before having his first day at SVU. Telling from the looks on the faces of the other Detectives, Lieutenant Benson hadn’t told anybody about the new guy. The room wasn’t filled with joy and happiness, more like suspicion and distrust. The only smile Detective Lockstadt got, was from Carisi, but he was probably just proud that the black-eye Ryan suffered was still very visible, even after a few days. Detective Tutuola, who Ryan hadn’t even met the last time he was here, seemed even more distant then his two colleagues. Getting settled in wasn’t easy. Never having worked SVU he had a lot to learn and he got reminded of that daily if not even hourly. Ryan hated being the new guy, but he kept putting himself in that position repeatedly. Almost like he enjoyed that kind of pain. The other thing that really got to him where the cases, the victims he talked to. After his first month Ryan didn’t know if he could handle it. Little girls being raped, husbands as suspects, the whole range of the dark side of human existence. Another downside was, that Barba made it very clear, that what happened between them wasn’t going to be repeated now that they work with each other.

  
Doing a job like that can make you very lonely. Detectives from Ryan’s old Unit wouldn’t talk to him, he couldn’t tell his friends about his job because it was to cruel. Which made going out with his friends pointless, besides lately going to bars or clubs wasn’t as exciting as it used to be. I mean when you start looking for potential predators everywhere it is impossible to enjoy yourself.  
So why doesn’t he just quit? Put in for another transfer? He didn’t want to join SVU, so they can’t blame him, right? Well Ryan hates giving up that easily. He was sure there were bets on how long he will last in this unit, giving his reputation. Just for that, he is not going to give up that soon. He will just have to suck it up and deal with it. Show no weakness. It will get better with time, hopefully.

On Tuesday morning Ryan is up early. So early that the halls of 1 Hogan Place were still very deserted. What if Barba wasn’t even at his office yet? Ryan would have to wait like some well-trained puppy. Wouldn’t Barba laugh at that joke? Carmen’s Desk was empty, even Barba’s Assistant wasn’t there this early. Approaching Barba’s office Ryan heard noises coming from inside. The drapes were shut though. The door was slightly open, however there was no light coming from the room while it was still pretty dark. It sounded like somebody had tripped over something maybe knocking something over. Had Barba forgotten to turn on the light? No, the noise was different, drawers were being upend, stuff dropped to the floor. With one hand on the door knob, Ryan tried to get a look into the room, without making any sound. A person, judging from the height and build a man, dressed in dark clothes was in Barba’s office. It couldn’t possibly be Barba, not in clothes like that, Sweatpants and a Hoodie.

  
Someone had broken into the Assistant District Attorney’s office. He was looking for something. Whatever it was Ryan had to stop him, arrest the guy. As quiet as possible he drew his gun from his holster. Pushing the door open with his foot, his weapon directed towards the man, who had his back to him. “NYPD. Put your hands up where I can see them!” The guy freezes, putting his hands up slowly. “Now walk backwards towards me, keep your hands above your head!”  
Suddenly there is a noise behind Detective Lockstadt. Before he is able to find out where that came from, he gets hit in the back of the head with blunt object. Lights out.

  
~*~

  
The bleeding had stopped, maybe the cold ice pack to the back of his head helped. Well his shirt was still ruined, but at least he was conscious again. Sitting in a chair in Barba’s office, surrounded by Detective Carisi, who got here first, then Rollins and Fin. The office was a mess, the guys did a good job destroying it or whatever their plan was. Carmen, Barba’s Assistant, was the one who found Detective Lockstadt on the floor, unconscious and bleeding. She was still shaking when giving her statement to Rollins.  
“What happened?” Lieutenant Olivia Benson walks in, looking rushed, still a little out of breath. “Ryan are you ok? Fin said you have a head injury.” She didn’t seem mad or upset, she was genuinely worried for the Detective. “I am fine.” Ryan claimed. “Carmen found him unconscious on the floor, he was bleeding from a wound at the back of his head like crazy.” Fin steps in giving a little more detail. When on the phone with Olivia he just told her to come over asap, somebody had gotten hurt. “It wasn’t bleeding that bad and it has already stopped.”  
“Yeah, your shirt tells a different story.”

  
“Ok, again what happened? Can you remember anything?” The assessment of Ryan’s injury will be up to a doctor and yes Ryan will definitely go to the ER after this. Before he can start Barba comes rushing into his office, alarmed by all the Police outside he knew something happened. “What happened? Did someone get hurt?” he asks frantically after seeing blood on the floor. “I am fine.” Ryan repeats. Carisi sighs and shakes his head. He explains to both Olivia and Barba what Ryan had told him. “You saw one perp? But there was a second one?” Olivia of course has follow up questions. “I only saw one, but there had to be at least a second one if the other guy is not in possession of magic powers.”  
Liv takes a closer look at Ryan’s head, the blood on the floor and on the ground, looks scary, but she knows headwounds tend to bleed heavily. “Carisi take Ryan to the hospital.” It was an order, no doubt. “I am fine, I can stay and help…”

  
“You are not fine. Losing consciousness is serious. You have to get checked by a doctor. End of discussion.”  
She is about to go talk to Barba and Carmen. “Liv, there is one more thing.”  
“They have my gun.”

  
~*~

  
Carisi dropped him off at the hospital, leaving Ryan there all by himself. He hated waiting, he hated hospitals and all that. Especially needles. He almost fainted getting his blood drawn, like he hasn’t lost enough today. And the stitches, they were the worst. Even after the skin was numbed, he could still feel everything and at made him sick. Luckily the CT scan of his head came back negative. The doctor suggested keeping him for 24 hours but Ryan talked himself out of that. Rollins was nice enough to pick him up, but he refused when she wanted to drive him home. He needed to be monitored for at least the next 12 hours, which they could do at the office. Some light paperwork wasn’t going to kill him. But Olivia might have, when she heard that he got himself released from the hospital and refused to go home. She placed him in the conference room, with water and the order to rest. Ryan felt like a little kid put in time out. At least he had some fresh clothes in his locker that he changed in, the dried blood on his shirt was starting to smell and he didn’t need another reason to upset his stomach.  
When Olivia was busy in here office, Ryan snuck out, pretending to get something to drink he went over to Rollins desk. “Any news?” he asked, sitting in the chair next to her. “What are you doing here? Didn’t Olivia tell you to stay put? Are you deliberately trying to get her mad at you?”

  
“I am just going to get some more water and I stopped by your desk for a quick chat. She is not going to get angry with me.”  
“If you think so.” The team has orders, Ryan is allowed to be in the office but they are not supposed to talk to him about the investigation.  
“Come on Rollins, please just tell me what you got so fare. They have my gun do you have any idea how you I feel?” he is trying to play the sympathy card. And it almost works.  
“Ryan is everything ok, why are you not in the conference room? Do you need someone to bring you home or back to the hospital?” Liv just came out of here office when she spotted the injured Detective. “No, I was just getting some water.”  
“At Rollins desk?”  
“I might have stopped for a second.”  
“You should go home, get some rest, watch TV or something.” Olivia is still concerned for her Detectives health, but his stubbornness is starting to get her worked up.  
“Alright, alright I am leaving. I am going to check on Barba, before I go home. If that is ok with you.”  
He was a grown man, Olivia couldn’t tell him what to do, so they let him go.

  
~*~

  
The security detail in the hallway leading to Barba’s office looked tired and bored. Ryan knew exactly how the guy felt. “Why don’t you take a walk and get you some coffee. I got him covered.” he told the Officer after showing his batch. Getting a free pass like that, the man wasn’t going to decline. He got of his chair and left. Ryan knocked on Barba’s door gently. “Come in.” a busy voice. Barba was still getting things sorted in his office, at least the floor was clean again. “Are you here all by yourself? Where is Carmen?” This was work for two people at least. “I send her home, she needed the day off.” Not even looking at the person in the doorway. Barba knew the voice and he was too busy. “And you, shouldn’t you be at home as well?”

  
“Please stop, I am fine for god’s sake.” Swearing interestingly enough got Rafael’s attention. “A little sensitive today Detective?” Barba couldn’t help but smirk. “Alright, if you got no better place to be, then at least help me. I don’t want to be here all night if possible.”  
Even though Ryan is not really much of a help, because he doesn’t know Barba’s filling system, but he is good company and it is a lot less scary being in this office with another person rather than being alone.

  
They don’t get everything sorted when the sun starts to set, but Ryan got some Chinese food from down the street, because Barba needs a brake and something to eat since he didn’t really take a break all day. “Wait, so the guy was wearing sweatpants, that’s how you knew it wasn’t me?” Yes, ADA Rafael Barba was actually laughing.  
“Yeah like you would ever come to your office dressed like that. Do you even own sweatpants?”  
“Good point Detective.” No comment on whether Rafael owned anything else than a three-piece suit, fine with Ryan.  
Barba got up to get some scotch from the bottom drawer of his desk. “They didn’t get to that, ha?” Barba sure would have been unhappy if the intruders had broken his favorite liquor bottle. “Lucky for them or I would have personally come after them.” Coming back with only the bottle and one glass.

“You are not going to offer me any?” Ryan was a little upset Barba didn’t even ask him.  
“Are you even allowed to drink?” Barba was a lawyer not a doctor, he wasn’t sure what someone with a head injury was allowed to do.  
A quiet sigh came out of Ryan’s mouth. “You were ok with me lifting those heavy books of yours, but you are afraid a little scotch might kill me? Come on, this day is rough enough as it is.”

  
Still Barba hesitated before getting a second glass. “You are going to take a cab home!”  
“Well I am definitely not going to drive today!”  
They both took a sip. “I think Olivia is going to ask me to leave SVU.” Out of nowhere Ryan suddenly feels the urge to pour his heart out.  
Visibly uncomfortable Barba takes another sip. Looking at the glass in his hand. “I think you are being too hard on yourself. It has been, what a month since you started? Give yourself a break. You will get used to it.” Some words of encouragement, which Barba truly meant.  
“That’s what I am afraid of. That I will get used to it, seeing the things what we see.” Ryan’s glass is already empty.  
“You know that’s not what I meant…” Barba moves the bottle a little further away from Ryan.  
“Yeah, I know, I know.”

  
Because Ryan is leaning forward, his eyes focused on his empty glass, Barba gets a good look at the injury on the Detectives head. “I can’t believe this happened to you. Here in my office.” Ryan turns his head only to realize that Barba is dangerously close to him. “I am glad that it was me how showed up here and not you…” ‘or Carmen’, was how Ryan wanted to finish that sentence, but he didn’t get a chance to because a pair of warm and soft lips met his.  
It’s a short kiss. However, Barba doesn’t move away, his face staying close to Ryan’s. “I should get hit in the head more often.” For some reason humor is the only thing Ryan can come up with in this situation, even though he really wanted to tell Rafael to keep going, he didn’t want the kissing to end. It felt so good. It was what he needed.  
“You really should work on your Smalltalk skills, Detective.” Barba kissed him again, but gently bit Ryan’s lip as a punishment for the bad joke.  
“Teach me counselor.” This time it was Ryan who initiated the kiss. His idea of pillow talk also didn’t seem to get Barba interested.  
“Maybe you should stop talking.” Being a little hurt by this, Ryan realized he wasn’t at his best today and saying anything more could just spoil all this.  
When Ryan stayed quiet, his lips still close to Barba’s he could feel the Detectives heavy breathing against his skin. There was a voice in his head, telling him that they shouldn’t be doing this, but it felt so good. How could anything that felt so good like this be wrong?

  
To hell with good reason, he was going to enjoy life right now in this moment. Next thing Ryan knows Barba’s lips are on his again, this time a lot longer, a lot rougher, hungry for more. Fortunately, they were already sitting on the couch in Barba’s office, where they made themselves comfortable. Rafael moved even closer to the Detective slowly and smoothly pushing him down, moving over him. Ryan invites Rafael’s tongue into his mouth. Meanwhile they started running their hands over each other’s bodies. It felt good. They both knew the territory. It was easy to forget everything that was going on and just live in that moment.

  
~*~

  
Ryan was chuckling when Barba told him to hurry up getting dressed. The security guard was back in his chair and Barba was afraid he might come over to the office to check in on the ADA. And Barba was not going to open the door half-dressed nor did he want a half-naked Detective behind him. “Relax he is not coming over here.” Ryan tried to calm him down. A phone started ringing, not the first time in the past few minutes.  
“Mine or yours?” Barba asked, still looking for the phone.  
“Sounds like mine. Probably Liv checking up on me.”  
Barba has to get down on his knees to pick up the phone from under the table, only to hand it to Ryan. “It’s Rollins.”  
“I am fine.” Ryan answers to call, still a little out of breath.  
“Are you sure? You sound winded!” Rollins ignored the fact that Ryan was acting rudely.  
“Well weren’t you just waiting for a chance to say that to me?” Rollins can he the smirk through the phone.  
“Listen, Liv doesn’t want you to know, so just shut up, will you? We might have a lead on the burglars. We are on our way to search an apartment. Want me to text you the address?”  
“Yes!” Ryan wants to see the guys that attacked him this morning and took his gun. “Please.” He adds when Rollins stays quiet.  
“I’ll see you soon.” She hangs up and sends him the address via text only seconds later.  
“Are you leaving?” Ryan is to focused on getting his things together to realize that Barba’s voice is a little sad. He could hear what Rollins was saying, so Ryan doesn’t have to explain a lot.  
“Yeah I gotta go. They might have to guys from this morning. Hopefully they still have my gun.” It’s a quick kiss on Rafael’s cheeks before Ryan is heading out the door. “I’ll call you.”

  
~*~

  
“Please tell me I just had a stroke and that I am hallucinating you being here, Detective Lockstadt.” Unfortunately, Lieutenant Benson saw him before anybody else, before Rollins could tell him where to hide.  
“Didn’t I tell you to go home?” she asks him as Ryan got closer.  
“Lieutenant I am going to be in the background, you won’t even notice me.”  
“That’s right I won’t, ‘cause I am going to have a Patrol car drive you home, right now! You are not supposed to be here, you are supposed to rest!” Olivia was starting to get furious, this guy had no respect for the chain of command.  
“I am not going to leave! I know what they look like and I damn well know my gun when I see it, Lieutenant.”  
“Are you seriously ignoring a direct order from your superior?”  
Insubordination. If Ryan refused to leave as he was told so, he could face mayor disciplinary consequences.  
“The worst that can happen is that you have me transferred out of SVU again, which you are probably going to anyways in a few weeks or so. I am doing you a favor, saving your precious time, getting me of your hands.”  
Blood is starting to boil on both sides.

  
“Detective Lockstadt, always taking the easy way out. I got to tell you the Department warned me about you…”  
“Excuse me? I didn’t ask to work at SVU. You…”  
Finally Carisi decided to step in, he was followed by Fin. “You should take a walk, let us do the search. Alright? Don’t do this to yourself.” Pushing Ryan back away from the scene they tried to talk him down. “You could lose your shield over this if you keep this up. Liv is a reasonable person but if you keep talking to her like that…” Fin and Carisi were trying their best, but Ryan just didn’t want to hear it.  
“Protecting your precious Lieutenant aren’t you guys cute.” In his rage Ryan won’t admit it, but being struck in the head combined with alcohol, was not working well for him. He could feel himself being out of line, but he also couldn’t stop his mouth from running off.  
“Go home, get some sleep.” Carisi gives him one final push towards the subway station.  
They won’t listen to him talk any longer, hoping he would leave, so they would not have to arrest him tonight, they walk back to Benson and Rollins. Meanwhile Rollins had talked to Olivia, making her realize that maybe the new guy just had a bad day.

  
Tonight, Ryan did not call Barba. He didn’t answer his phone when either Rollins, Carisi or Barba tried calling him. He through his phone into a corner of his living room when Olivia send him a message saying that they have his gun and that she was expecting him in his office at 8 am. He fell asleep on the couch, after one to many beers.

  
~*~

  
Feeling miserable Ryan had overslept. A giant headache, barely enough time to take a shower, Ryan had to rush to the precinct. Arriving at 8:05 am. Lieutenant Benson was already awaiting him in the doorway to her office. “Detective, you are late!”  
“Take a seat!” She ordered him. He didn’t feel like fighting her today, so he sat down in a chair across from her.  
“Do you really think I will ask you to transfer out of SVU? Why?”  
There was still anger in her voice, but she tried to stay calm.  
Ryan couldn’t help himself but laugh. “Because I am terrible at this! You know that, I know that and I am pretty sure the rest of the squad will also agree.”  
“Can I tell you something? I have been working SVU for more than fifteen years now. Do you know how long it took me before I felt like I was in the right place, not making a foul out of myself and this unit? Three years.”

  
“Are you trying to make me feel better? Because I am still not sure if coming to SVU was some kind of punishment from the Department.”  
“Why does everything have to be a conspiracy? I asked for you personally. Not the Department, not your old Captain. And yes, for heaven’s sake I was trying to tell you to hang in, you are learning quickly. I still have high hopes for you, believe it or not.”  
For once Ryan just accepted the compliment. Nodding with a slight smile.  
“However, I cannot accept your behavior from last night.” Of course, his drunken mistake had to bite him in the ass. “Two weeks desk duty and I will put a note in your personal file. If this never happens again, I will remove it. But I might just make it a permanent record, you got me?”  
Suspension and unpaid leave could have been worse or maybe even losing his shield, as Fin pointed out. “Yes, Lieutenant.”  
“Now do me the favor and walk out of here like I just ripped your head off, I have a reputation to keep.” She points to the door. “Get these files to Barba’s office.”

Taking the files, Ryan went to the door, opening it in one quick motion like he couldn’t wait to get out of this office. With everybody looking at him, he grabbed his jacket from his chair, leaving the squad room in a hurry.  
“Hah, told you he wasn’t going to last more than five weeks.” Fin thinks he won the bet on the new guy. Little did he know.

  
~*~

  
This time Carmen was at her desk, actually getting up to greet the Detective. She was relieved he was doing better, she had him worried. “Is he in? Can I talk to him?” Ryan feels a little overwhelmed from all the situation.  
“Yes, sure go right in.” Carmen opens the door for him. “Mr. Barba, it’s Detective Lockstadt.” She closes the door behind the young man. Rafael had only looked up from the paperwork on his desk for a split second.

“Olivia wanted me to bring you some files.” Ryan gets closer to the desk.  
“Aha, yeah just put them down here, Detective.” It felt very distant the way Barba talked to him, like he was some stranger.  
“Detective?” Ryan repeated, his confusion got Barba to look up.  
“You are a Detective, correct?” The title was adequate.  
“Is there something wrong?” Barba had once again moved his eyes down to the paperwork in front of him.  
“That will be all, Detective. Thank you.” Something was definitely wrong and Ryan had a feeling what that might be.  
“Are you mad because I forgot to call you last night?”

Barba got up quick, opening his office door. “Carmen could you get me some breakfast from that bakery around the corner?”  
Usually Carmen wouldn’t do food delivery runs for Barba, but the way he asked she knew he wanted her away from the office, out of hearing distance. “Of course.” She left reluctantly.  
Barba pretty much slammed to the door shut, causing Ryan to cringe. The sound really did not work well with his headache. “You did not only forget to call me, after you left me alone like this. You also didn’t answer my calls. I am not some…some…” There was a vein on Barba’s forehead Ryan had never noticed, he had never seen the other man so angry.  
“Some what?” however Ryan had the nerve to ask.  
“Like I am some toy you get to play with whenever you feel like it or throw it back in its box once you are done, you little prick!”  
Being called a prick got Ryan’s anger working as well, yet he knew he deserved Barba’s frustration.  
“You are not a toy to me.” He tries to stay calm, trying to get Barba’s anger level down. “I agree my departure last night was less than smooth, but I had to be there for the arrest. I am sorry you got the impression in your head that I am just using you, but I am not. I really enjoyed spending time with you and…” he stopped, not knowing if what he was going to say next might be to inappropriate to say in this office.  
A crooked smile on Barba’s face appears all the sudden. “And what?” he asks boldly.  
Getting closer to the suddenly shy Detective, making sure Ryan can keep the volume down as much as possible without anybody but Rafael getting to hear his words. “The blowjob.” Fire red cheeks, eyes to the ground.  
Next thing he knows Rafael closes the remaining gap, pressing his lips against the Detectives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Help me out, does the Detectives Name bother you? I feel like changing it, I am bad at finding Names, this one just came to me and I went with it, but the more I think about the more lesser it seems to work. Lockstadt is spelled wrong, in Germany there is a city called Lokstedt, which I guess even not really knowing that city my idea for the name came from. However, the pronunciation is also wrong in my head…I don’t know


	3. Looking for a sign

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team of SVU caught a new case. A horrendous one. Its time for the newest member to show what he's learned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning. Mentioning of child abuse and sexual assault!

“You should go home, Ryan. Call it a night.” The squad room is almost empty, nicely quiet. Lieutenant Benson went home an hour ago, around 7 pm. Now it’s only Rollins and Ryan who are left. Finishing up some paperwork from their last case, to give to Barba for the Trial he is preparing. 

There is no rush, which means they both could’ve gone home early as well. But they both stayed. They didn’t speak, just sat at their desks working. Rollins phone was buzzing for the second time in the last fifteen minutes, probably her babysitter. “There must be someone waiting for you at home or don’t you have a place right now?” The new guy is more of the quiet type, not giving much information about his live. He keeps to himself, not like Carisi who shares his entire family history with you within the first five minutes of meeting him. Curiosity has risen amongst the members of SVU. Of course, Ryan has notice more personal questions being directed at him, so far, he manages to avoid answering them.  
Today he gives Amanda a big smile. “There has to be someone? Why?” again avoiding giving out any personal details. “Well someone has been texting and calling you. The way you smile at your phone sometimes. Like a lovesick puppy.” She grabs her jacket and her purse in order to finally leave the office for good. “I do not remotely resemble a lovesick puppy.” 

“Alright, I give up. Have a good night or not. See you tomorrow.” He won’t give her the answer she is looking for not even close and Amanda is too tired to fight him for that. Not tonight. 

“Wait up.” As she passes Ryan’s desk, he decides to call it a night as well.  
Surprised Amanda looks at him. “I do have my own place, so don’t worry I am not going to ask you if I can sleep on your couch.” Ryan reassures her.

They’re about to head out when Amanda realizes her phone is still on her desk. “Just a second.” She walks back.  
Ryan waits by the door for her when a woman walks in with a child holding her hand. “Excuse me, I am looking for Lieutenant Benson.” she says when Ryan looks at her. She looks distraught, her voice shaking a little bit. The child next to her, probably her daughter, clinging onto her, a scared expression on her face. “Ma’am I am Detective Lockstadt, this is Detective Rollins. Unfortunately, Lieutenant Benson is not here right now, but maybe we can help you.”

Ryan can already feel a knot forming in his stomach. Call it instincts but something tells him this woman and her daughter are not just here for a friendly visit.  
“Well I was told downstairs to ask for Lieutenant Benson…” the woman says uncertain, looking around as if she is searching for something.  
“That’s alright, we work for Lieutenant Benson. We’re Special Victims Unit.” Rollins steps in, helping Ryan out.  
“We can get Lieutenant Benson in if you want. Meanwhile why don’t we get you some water?” 

“My daughter was raped.” A whisper coming from the woman, while she tries to cover her daughter’s ears.  
It feels like being punched in the abdomen, Ryan lowers his head looking down at the little girl with blond curled hair. He hates cases like this. He hates people who do this to little kids.  
“Why don’t you take a seat over her.” Rollins directs the mother and her child to the conference room.  
“Call Liv.” she says to Ryan who is standing there, not moving a muscle. 

~*~

Emily Wright, 7 years old, second grade of Elementary school. Long blond curly hair, blue eyes. She looks like a sweet little girl.  
Through the mirrored window in Olivia’s office, Ryan is looking at her and her mother, Samantha Wright. The girl is sitting in her mother’s lap, cuddled into her arms. Looking around curiously, unsure if she should be scared or not. Her mother on the verge of crying, tries to keep the blond curls out of her daughter’s face by putting them gently behind her ears.  
Before they even enter the room, Ryan can hear Rollins and Olivia talk. Apparently, Amanda started to put Liv up to speed on this case. “Samantha Wright, 42, divorced. She is the head of department of a Wall Street Company. Her husband owns the company.” 

“She came in because she believes her daughter, Emily, 7 years old, was raped. They haven’t been to see a doctor, she brought her straight here.” They end up standing next to Ryan.  
“Anyone talk to them yet?” Olivia has to ask, but she got here so quickly, she knows the information Rollins just gave her was much gathered in such a short period of time.  
“We were waiting on you.” Ryan explains.  
“Good, Ryan you come with me.” Surprised that Olivia picked him to do the interview with her, he stalls a second before following her. 

~*~

“Hi, I am Olivia and this is Ryan.” Olivia introduces herself and her Detective to Emily.  
Emily looks at her mother with a confused look. “Oh my god I completely forgot.” Her mother almost starts to cry.

Now Olivia is confused, asking herself if she did something wrong. “I took out her hearing aids to put her to bed, she can’t hear without them.” That explains the agitation of the mother, who is looking through her purse for her daughters hearing aids. “I must have left them at home.”

“I am so stupid…” blaming herself and getting mad at herself Samantha, Emilys mother, is not going to find what she is looking for, because those hearing aids are still at home.  
“Ma’am it’s ok.” Ryan tries to calm her down.  
“Are those hearing aids new? How much can she hear?” Getting her into a conversation, trying to find a way to communicate with the girl is the only thing useful right now, so Olivia keeps the conversation going.

“She was born deaf, it’s a genetic thing.” As she starts to explain her daughters condition Samantha Wright takes a few deep breaths. “Emily got her cochlea implants just a few months ago. She is still getting used to them.”  
“Does she know sign language?” Ryan asks now that there might be a way to talk to Emily after all.  
“Yes, she does.” 

‘Hello, I am Ryan, what is your name?’ Detective Lockstadt starts signing to the girl. Earning him a startled look from his boss.  
He gets a confused look from Emily at first but then the reaction he was hoping for.  
‘My name is Emily.’

‘Hello, Emily. I am a Detective. This is Olivia, she is a Lieutenant, she is my boss.’  
There was no question, so understandably, Emily doesn’t sign anything in return.  
‘Is it okay if I ask you some questions?’ Ryan asks. If Emily is not willing to talk to him, they can get a female translator in, but that might take some time.  
Emily only nods after a reassuring look to her mother.  
“You know how to sign?” the mother is surprised and relieved.  
“A little bit.” Ryan gives a shy smile.  
‘How old are you Emily?’ 

~*~

They talk to Emily and her mother for about thirty minutes, when there is a knock on the window. Olivia excuses herself, leaving Ryan in the room. She is surprised to see ADA Rafael Barba in her office. “Rollins called me, said you might have something.” he explains before the Lieutenant says a word. “So, what do you have?” he follows up, impatiently.  
“We are still trying to figure that out, Barba. It’s a little bit too early for you to be here, I am sorry.”  
She hands Rollins a key. “Get CSU to the house. Call me when they find something.” Before getting into a conversation with Barba, there are more important things to do, so Olivia goes through the list.

Ryan walks in, also a little thrown off by Barba’s presence. “They want something to drink.” he justifies.  
“That can wait a few minutes. Barba wants to know what we have so fair and since you talked to the girl…”  
“You talked to the girl?” Barba is startled about the fact that Olivia had a fairly new Detective take over the interview, while she usually does it herself.  
“Yeah well I am the only one who knows sign language, that’s why” There is no reason to be proud of himself, it was not that Olivia trusted his skills enough, he was simply the only one who could ‘talk’ to the girl.

“What?” The missing information’s make it impossible for Barba to grasp an understanding of what has been happening so far.  
“Emily, the girl, our victim. She is deaf. She has hearing aids, but her mother left them at home. However, Emily learned to sign as a kid in order interact.”  
For some reason, even after that explanation the astonished look didn’t leave Barba’s face. Much to Ryan’s dislike. “What?” he snaps a little at the prosecutor.  
“And you know who to sign?”  
“Yes, in fact I do.”  
“How?” 

Ryan sighs heavily. How did this become about him?  
“I just know, alright? Look can we get back on the case?”  
“Right.” Olivia intervenes that back and forth play between Barba and her Detective. She tells Barba everything that Rollins had gathered up until the point when Ms. Wright and her daughter came to SVU. “Ms. Wright found her daughter’s underwear under the girls’ bed. She says it looked like blood and semen stains on the fabric.”  
“Did you get anything from Emily?” For most of the time that Olivia was talking, Barba kept looking at Ryan, who became a bit uncomfortable being starred at. And now Rafael brings the attention to him once again.

“Not yet. I asked her about the underwear and if someone hurt her, but she just kept looking at her mother.”  
“We will take her to the hospital for a rape kid. And then we will bring her to the Child Advocacy Center for a psychological Assessment.” Those are the next steps and even though Rafael is probably aware of the procedure, Olivia keeps him posted.  
“Alright, call me if you need anything.” Barba leaves, so far there is nothing he can do to help.  
“Everything ok between the two of you?” Olivia asks her Detective once they are alone.  
“Yeah sure.” His answer is fairly short. “I am going to get them something to drink before we leave.”

~*~

The next day.

They are all wedged into Olivias office. The Lieutenant, Barba, Carisi, Fin, Rollins and Lockstadt.  
“CSU turned that house upside down. Found the girls’ underwear, also a dozen more stains on the mattress. Lab is running DNA and fingerprints.”

“There was no semen found, but the rape kit did reveal tearing and scaring.”  
It is disgusting to talk about it for Ryan. His colleagues take it more professional then he does. Hearing all those details is grueling for him, he sat down for this conversation, he is quiet, lets all the others do the talking.  
“The mother claims that only her maid, the nanny and herself have a key. He ex-husband has visitation but hasn’t vindicated his right in months.”  
“Emily is home schooled, she doesn’t have any friends and spends her time at home. She is always supervised.”  
“So, nobody noticed that little girl getting raped?” a sudden outburst from Ryan causes all eyes to turn towards him.  
“Carisi, Lockstadt, why don’t you go talk to the nanny and the maid.” Olivia can tell that his case is starting to get to the new Detective. She needs to keep an eye on him or at least make sure someone from her team does. Carisi seems like a good choice for now, having been the new guy himself not too long ago.  
Having embarrassed himself, Ryan pretty much storms out of the office spaces, breathing heavily. 

~*~

They reunite a few hours later in Barbar’s office.  
“The nanny and the maid were a bust. They claim nobody came to the house, not the father or any other male.” Carisi sums up an hour worth of talking to the two women.  
“The Lab called saying there is a problem with the semen samples they have found. Apparently both the underwear and the mattress were chemically treated, so their goes our DNA.” Olivia has bad news after she just got of the phone.

“So, the only thing we have is the girl?” This day couldn’t get any worse for the ADA.  
“Emily!” Ryan reminds Barba of the name, which only gets him a mad look from the other man.  
“Yes, I remember her name, thank you Detective.” Barba barks at him.  
“The psych eval revealed sever trauma. She is refusing to use hear hearing aids and talk, she doesn’t want to sign. We won’t get anything usefully out of her.” This is frustrating case when Olivia puts it like that.

“Her name is Emily.” Ryan mutters offended.  
“Care to speak up Detective?” Ryan is leaning against one of the book shelfs in Barbas’ office when the ADA starts walking towards him, ending up only inches away from him.  
“Look I know this is a crappie case, but could we at least have the decency to call her by name?”  
“You think we are being disrespectful? You think we have been doing this for too long? Are you the only one left who sees the bigger picture in this?” Being confronted with a dead-end case doesn’t make Barba bearable. 

“Guys stop” Olivia tries to intervene.  
“Yeah you are being disrespectful, but that’s your thing, isn’t it?” Provoking Rafael, helps Ryan get his frustration out, but it’s not helping their case.  
“Ryan enough! Go get some fresh air, take a walk!”  
It wouldn’t be the first time he ignores Olivias orders and for a second it looks like Ryan will do it again. However, after giving Rafael another firm look he backs off. Grabbing his jacket, he storms out. 

~*~

Day three

“The nanny lied.” Ryan comes running into the squad room, still dressed in the same clothes as the day before, when they were in Barbar’s office.  
Holding a brown envelope in his hands he walks over to the table were Olivia, Amanda, Fin and Sonny are seated.  
He takes out photographs from the envelope and hands them to the team.  
“I talked to one of the neighbors who has security cameras upfront. He was kind enough to let me look through the footage.” Ryan starts to explain the origin of the photographs.  
“Those are stills from the security footage. It goes back months. I checked the last four weeks. Mr. Wright came over, twice in the last two weeks and one time three weeks ago. Every time his wife was at work or somewhere outside the house. The nanny let him in and then went for a smoke. He was alone with his daughter for almost an hour each time.”  
“You spend all night with this?” Looking up from the photograph in her hand, Olivia was astounded.  
“I also checked the nanny’s financial records. She has a lot of debt, but she gets monthly payments from an account associated with Mr. Wrights company, aside from her loan that Mrs. Wright is paying her.” 

“The first payment came in four months ago, which is probably when Emily’s ordeal started.”  
“Carisi do me a favor and get Barba down her. Tell him to get us a warrant for Mr. Wright and Ms. Torrez the nanny.”  
“Rollins get TARU on the video footage, have them check it out again. Make sure there is not glitch ore anything to ruin this.”  
“Fin, get Ms. Yunez the maid in here, ask her if she knows anything about Mr. Wright and if she cleaned the mattress with chemicals, if so who order her that.”  
They finally have something to work with, so Olivia gives out instructions.  
“What about me?” Ryan is excited about his findings and wants to do more.  
“You did well Ryan. Brilliant idea.” Olivia praises him walking closer.  
“Write your report for now.”  
“That’s it?” Ryan asks disappointed  
“Oh no, once Barba is here you are going to apologize to him for your behavior yesterday. So maybe you start working on that as well!” She winks at him, leaving him alone in the squad room.

~*~

Fin and Amanda are working on getting a confession from Mr. Wright, while Olivia and Carisi are making sure the nanny writes down her statement just like she just told them.  
That leaves Barba and Ryan alone, in the hallway leading to the interrogation rooms.  
Barba watches the father’s confession with his jaws clenched.  
Ryan is watching him, unnoticed thus far.

“I am sorry.” He interrupts the silence.  
Barba doesn’t look at him, but Ryan knows his words are heard. So, he gets closer to the ADA.  
“I was a jerk. I let it get to me and took it out on you.” This apology was more than necessary.  
“I didn’t mean what I said. You are very good at your job, taking on cases everybody else ducks. Getting justice to the people who need it the most.” He runs out of compliments, his mouth dry. Ryan can only hope that Barba will except his apology.  
At least he looks at the Detective now, nodding at least.  
“Get me their written confessions on my desk, I will start on the arrest warrants.” His briefcase in his hands Barba walks away.  
Ryan lowers his head in disappointment.

“Detective?” Barba pauses in his steps. He has his back turned towards Ryan, only looking over his shoulder. “You did good today, congratulations.”  
Rafael doesn’t give the men behind him a chance to reply, that might just ruin the moment.

~*~

They end up going for drinks. The entire team. No there is only Fin and Ryan leftover.  
“How could you resist punching the guy? That’s what I would have done after he confessed, no probably even before that. This sick bastard raped his own daughter, how could you just sit there and listen to him?” Ryan who obviously had a few drinks pours his heard out to Fin.  
“Trust me every fibre in my body felt exactly that way. But it’s not worth it. If I lose it, the guy may just walk? And then what do I tell the victim?”  
“Yeah, yeah, you’re right.” Ryan has to admit. Fin has many years of experience working SVU, he knows how to compose himself when necessary. His impulsive new co-worker will have to learn that lesson.  
Ryan’s phone buzzes with a message. A smile appears on his face.  
“Your girlfriend?” Fin just has to ask about that sudden display of a good mood.  
“No.” Taking one last sip from his beer, Ryan takes out his wallet to pay his tab.  
“Seriously, dude. You are leaving me like that? It has to be for a girl!”  
“Sorry, Fin. Don’t be upset you are great company, but…”  
“Yeah, yeah I get it.” Shaking his head Fin orders another beer for himself while Ryan pats him on the shoulder.

He only walks a few blocks. The restaurant is very small, he almost walked past it.  
He slides into a booth.  
“How do you find places like this?” he asks Rafael how is enjoying his late-night meal.  
“I have been coming here for years. If you are still hungry, try the salmon, it’s really good.”  
“No thanks. I am just going to take some scotch.” He says to Barba and orders with the waitress at the same time since she just showed up at their booth.  
Still in his jacket, Ryan puts his arms on the table, leaning over the table a little.  
“Have to admit I was surprised you want to see me today.”  
Barba finishes his food and wipes his face with a napkin. “Why because of your outburst in my office the other day? I told you I like to separate work from my private life.”  
“And you did express remorse and I forgive you.” He takes a sip from his own glass of scotch.  
“So, does this count as a date?” Ryan asks widely grinning.  
“No, I am not that cheap, I told you. Besides having dinner on my own with you showing up late is not what I consider a date.”  
“Too bad…this would’ve been our third one. Lucky number.”  
“How much did you have to drink already, Detective?” Rafael is not surprised nor mad, he even smiles a little asking that question.


	4. Weekend getaway - Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan invites Rafael to spend the weekend with him and a group of Ryans old High School friends. It is a test for their relationship and it might as well go downhill from here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have actually dreamed this chapter before I ever started the story, one of the reasons I started writing this.
> 
> Also, I watched a recording of the musical Company with Raul Esparza. And I loooove it!!!! It partially inspire this chapter too.

“Bobby listen, I am sorry. I don’t think I will be able to make it this weekend. We have this case and we’re crazy busy.” Ryan is on the phone talking to a friend.

“No look, I will try, alright, but I can’t promise anything.”

“Bobby come on, you know how much I like seeing you guys it’s just…no it’s not that. I was going to bring someone… stop laughing, okay? ...Yeah, yeah make fun of me Bobby, thanks. You are a good friend.” 

“Alright Bobby, I’ll call you.” 

Ryan almost gets a heart attack after hanging up his phone, because Rollins is sitting in the chair next to his desk. “Jesus, Rollins.” He cries out. “Didn’t your parents teach not to sneak up like that. Besides it’s rude listening to someone else’s phone calls.” 

“It is dead quiet in here. Everybody heard you, I wasn’t eavesdropping.” She quick-witted.

“So, is Bobby a friend? Why did you lie to him? You have the weekend off.” 

“We went to High School together, he is one of my best friends. Every year we have a get-together with other old friends. But I am just not up for it this year.” Why not give a little inside into his life, just once?

“They are all couples? Your friends they’re all married?” Amanda has a pretty good guess, why Ryan doesn’t want to join his group of friends this year.

“Yes, they are, why do you ask?”

“And you don’t have anyone to bring with you? You don’t want to be the only single?” From Ryan’s expression on his face, she nailed it. 

“It’s a long drive just for two nights. It’s just not worth it. I can get drunk here just as easily.” Ryan won’t give Amanda that satisfaction.

“Come one there is absolutely no one you can ask to go with you this weekend?” She won’t give up.  
Ryan sighs and gives her an annoyed look. “No, I’ve tried. And I am not going to show up alone again this year. I can already hear their concerned comments.”

“No old girlfriends?”

“No cute neighbor?”

“Not even Barba?” Ryan who has taking a sip from his coffee is about to choke when Rollins whispers those words. It takes him a few minutes to steady himself.

“Excuse me?” Ryan has to clear his throat before he is able to say anything.

“You and Barba.” 

“What about me and Barba?” Ryan is not really good at hiding his fear of being caught. His cheeks are fire red. 

“Oh, come one, the way you look at each other, tell me there is nothing going on between the two of you?” Rollins keeps her voice down, she is not interested in having the whole squad in on this talk. 

“This conversation is over!” Ryan realizes he spilled coffee over his shirt and his hand roams over the spot.

“Ryan, it’s ok. I am not judging you or Barba. I don’t care if you are gay or whatever.” She tries to reconcile with her new partner.  
“You should ask him. He might just say yes.” Ryan is ignoring her, so she keeps on talking to him.

She is about to walk back to her desk when he grabs her wrist carefully, nodding his head towards the chair, asking Amanda to sit down again.

“Is it that obvious?” he whispers to her.

Rollins puts her hand on Ryan’s. “No, it’s not, don’t worry. I am sure I am the only one who figured it out.” Ryan sighs of relieve after those words.

“How? How did you know?” He has to ask, he has to know, for the future, to make sure nobody else finds out.

“Actually, I had a suspicion a while ago. Remember when you got knocked out in Barba’s office? You came by when we were going to arrest the perps?”

Of course, Ryan remembered, how could he forget? For an answer, he only nodded.

“You told us, you were going to talk to Barba and when you came to the location, your shirt was buttoned wrong.”

“That’s it? That’s how you knew?” She is a good Detective, but she can’t be that good.

“It made me suspicious, it’s not like I immediately knew.” Amanda rolls her eyes.

“You always volunteer to bring stuff to Barba, despite being the new guy. Also, you guys just have this connection, the way you look at each other sometimes and he makes you smile. I have seen you smile when he is around a lot more often than when Barba’s not around.”

It does make him happy to see Barba, he has to admit. “He is not as mean to me, don’t you think?”

“Oh, he gives you plenty, but he seems to enjoy your retort.” Amanda winks at him.

The blush on his cheeks is still very visible. 

“Seriously, ask him.” She repeats, giving Ryan a gentle pat on the shoulder.

“Barba asked for some of files. Who wants to bring them over?” Olivia comes out of her office, holding a stack of paper files.   
Nobody wants to go, because they are all hoping for a chance to go home early. Ryan restrains himself from jumping up.

“I’ll go.” He says after a few seconds before Olivia assigns the task to him anyways. 

“Thank you, Ryan.” She smiles at him while handing over the files.

Rollins gives him a thumps up as he passed her by on the way out.

~*~

Carmen just waves him by, through the open door to Barba’s office.

The ADA is on the phone which stalls Ryan a bit. He closes the door, puts the file on Rafael’s desk and gets himself a cup of coffee.  
It doesn’t take long for the phone call to end.

“Thank you.” Rafael greets him with a smile.

“No problem, Counselor.” Ryan replies likewise with a smile.   
He brings the pitcher filled with coffee to refill Rafael’s mug. 

“Are you my personal assistant now?” By all means Barba is thankful for the files and the coffee, but he can’t help but tease the Detective a little bit.  
“Wouldn’t you like that? Does it pay good?”

“The pay is horrible, so is having to be around me all day. Can you imagine me being your boss?”   
“Carmen seems to like you. Can’t be that bad than.”

“You really want to work for me?”  
“Nah, I like the things the way they are right now.”   
There is a knock on the door. “I am off to my break, Mr. Barba.” Its break time for Carmen.

“Enjoy your lunch.” Barba gives her a nod before she closes the door again.  
“Are you hungry? I could get you something.” Ryan offers.  
“You are not my assistant and you don’t have to get me anything.”   
“I know I am not, I was just trying to help.”

Barba gets up from behind his desk, Ryan assumes to get some file or a book. Ryan is looking into his coffee mug for some reason, when he realizes Barba standing in front of the chair he is sitting in.

There is a look on the ADA’s face, that Ryan can’t quite understand.  
“Everything ok?” Ryan asks, when Barba takes away his cup and then grabs him be his tie to jank him up. Ryan breaths loudly in surprise. “What the…” he is about to ask Barba, when he is shoved onto the large desk. A hand in his neck, the other still on his tie, Ryan feels Barba push himself in between his thighs and kissing him roughly.  
Sitting rather uncomfortable Ryan can’t complain, because the kiss is breathtaking. Barba’s tongue is attacking his mouth in a rough but fascinating way. His hands move down to Ryan’s thighs, stroking his skin through the fabric.

He can feel Barba move closer, his hands sliding towards his hips. Suddenly Barba backs off just a little, ends the kiss only to stay close to Ryan, both breathing heavily. “That was…very nice.” Ryan whispers with his lips brushing against Barba’s. 

“That was your reward for being such a good assistant.” A joke from Barba.

“Do you repay all of your assistants like that?” Ryan just had to ask, with a big smirk on his face.  
Barba pinches his left thigh rather hard, making Ryan twitch visibly. 

“Ouch! What was that for?”

He gets another kiss for an apology.

Rafael walks back behind his desk, Ryan gets off and they both clean up the mess they left on the desk.   
Now it’s time for Ryan to head back to the precinct, he was here long enough, staying any longer might look suspicious. They both know it, as Barba is already focusing on his legal pad.

“Well I am going back, it was good seeing you.” Ryan starts walking back towards the door.

“You wanna come over for dinner tonight?” Barba ask without even looking up.

“Sure. Around 8?”

“Maybe early? I give you a call, alright?”

“Sounds good?” His hands already on the door knob, Ryan hesitates.

“Have nice day, Detective.” Ryan likes being teased by Barba, but right now he looks nervous, but Barba can’t tell because his is not looking at Ryan. 

‘Just ask him’ Rollins voice pops up in Ryan’s head. He is insecure about asking Rafael. He knows his friend Bobby is going to bug him all day, with calls and messages, asking Ryan about the weekend. And Ryan really wants to ask Barba, really bad. But what if he says no? Or worse says yes? They haven’t put a name to their relationship yet, it is rather casual. Spending an entire weekend together, with Ryan’s friends, isn’t that jumping the gun?

“Do you have any plans for this weekend?” Ryan pretty much blurts out.  
Barba looks at him. 

“I just…I just wanted to ask you…” Ryan takes a deep breath. “Every year I meet up with a bunch of my high school friends, like a little reunion. It’s this weekend.” He explains more calmly.

“And I was hoping, you could come with me?”

“How many friends are we talking about?”

“Six. Bobby and his wife, Patricia. Amy and Paul. Steve and Iris.”

“They are all married?”

“Yes.” Of course, Barba noticed that, how could he not? It was a gathering of couples. 

“You don’t have to go, it was a stupid question, I am sorry I bothered you.” Twisting the door knob, Ryan turns his back to Barba, ready to leave.

“We would leave Friday?” 

“Yeah, there is a Barbeque on Friday and on Sunday after Breakfast we all drive back home.”

There is a short time of silence between them.

“Pick me up at two. Is that good?”

“Yes perfect. The drive is about an hour and a half.” 

They exchange smiles, reserved on both ends.

“I see you Friday then?” Ryan is so nervous he completely forgets about dinner tonight.

“Tonight!”

“What?”

“You see me tonight. Remember dinner?”

“Yes. Of course. Dinner. Tonight.” He stutters a bit, his cheeks flushing. 

“See you tonight.” 

~*~

Ryan picked up Rafael shortly after two pm. The ADA had some work to finish up and was running a little late. Luckily, he had already brought his bag with him to the office, he changed into something more comfortable before he leaves. 

Seeing Barba in casual clothes is always fascinating for Ryan. No doubt he loves all the suits, with or without a vest, preferably with suspenders, matching pocket square – just perfect. And he has seen Rafael without any clothes, which is even more appealing. But there is something about that dark blue polo shirt, the loosely fitted jeans and those sunglasses, that causes Ryan to feel his stomach prickle. 

Unfortunately, they don’t get to talk for most of the drive, because Rafael keeps getting calls on his cellphone. They have about thirty minutes to go, when Rafael turns his phone off and puts it in his pocket.

“I am sorry.” He feels the need to apologize to Ryan.

“Don’t be. You are a very important man, I get it.” 

“When was the last time you took some time off?” He asks Rafael now.

“It’s been a while.” Barba admits, grinning slightly.

“So, what do I have to expect?” a reasonable question coming from Barba, but it throws Ryan off. 

“What do you mean?” 

“Well you seemed tense when you asked me to come. Why? Are you friends that bad? Do they know you are dating a man?” 

“They are not bad. Actually, they are really good people, more like family to me. And they know that I have dated men before, so that’s no news to them.”

Even with Barba, Ryan hasn’t shared much about his past. Barba barely knew where he was born, that he was raised by a single mother. Their relationship seems complicated, Ryan doesn’t talk about her and when he does he shows no love for her at all. He never mentioned any other relatives, never talks about past relationships. All he talks about is his work, how he became a cop, where he has worked so far. Ryan is always interested in listening to Barba talk about his life, though.  
Until now Barba has accepted that behavior, but this weekend seems like a change in dynamic. Not only in between them, but also coming from Ryan. He is finally opening himself up to let Rafael see more of him.

“But they can be a bit…nosy. The last time I brought someone with me, they scared her off within 24 hours. They meant well and I might a poor choice bringing someone with me I’ve only known for a week.”

“Her? Last time you brought a woman?” Ryan is bisexual, not gay, Barba knows that.

He only gets a nod from Ryan.

“How many times have you brought someone?”

“Before you? Only two.”

“Always women?”

Again, just a nod.

“So, I am the first guy the get to meet in fifteen years?”

“It’s a coincidence, I just happened to be dating women at those times.”

“What kind of questions do I have to expect?”

“Personal, like very personal. Your age, your job, your family, dating history, if you have a criminal record. How we met, where our relationship is going…”

“And?”

“When they had a few drinks, they tend to ask about sexual stuff, like what kind of things you are into.”

“I make them sound like complete jerks.” Ryan sighs, his friends are not that bad.

“Maybe a bit.” Rafael agrees.

“You know what, I will prepare myself for everything and still go in there open minded. They are your friends, your family, I can’t wait to meet them.” ‘Especially if they are the only family of yours I will ever get to meet, probably.’ He finishes that sentence in his head. Rafael doesn’t want to start a fight right now. He will, however, use this opportunity to learn more about the man next to him. His friends hopefully have a lot of stories to tell.

The house is located rural area, surround by nothing but trees. The next house is about five minutes away. They are the second car to arrive. “That’s Bobby, he owns this house. Actually a few in this area. He and his wife rent them out. This house is really beautiful, it has like five bedrooms, a giant kitchen, all the bathrooms have a bathtub and a shower. Patricia does all the interior designs and she is very talented.” 

Ryan parks the car and they get out, leaving their bags in the trunk for now.

When they come up to the patio Ryan spots his friend Bobby. A bulky bearded man, wearing a trucker cap and camouflage.   
When Bobby sees Ryan, he smiles widely. They engage in a big hug. “I am so glad you could make it. You look good, man.” 

“Thanks Bobby.” 

Rafael steps closer, Ryan wants to smack himself, he almost forgot about him.

“Bobby this is Rafael, Rafael this is Bobby.” 

They shake hands and Ryan knows that Bobby is testing Rafael by squeezing his hand. 

“Nice to meet you Rafael, haven’t heard anything about you.” Bobby cracks out a jock and ends up being the only one laughing.

“Nice to meet you too Bobby, I am sure we will get to know each other well this weekend.” 

So far Rafael is holding himself up well.

“Is Patricia her?” Ryan intervenes.

“No, she is home with the kids. I will go pick her up soon. The others should arrive every minute now. But until then, why don’t I show you guys your room.”  
They grab their bags from the car and follow Bobby into the house.

It looks smaller from the outside, but it has big open spaces. Rafael looks around and praises to Bobby about how much he likes it.  
They walk down a hallway to the end, there is only one door left.

“We gave you the best room in the house.” Bobby grins at Ryan.  
“I have to get going, see you in a few.” Bobby leaves them to go pick up his wife.

The room is gorgeous. King size bed, with white bedding. It faces a gigantic window that goes from floor to the ceiling. The view is amazing, green field, the forest. They can already see a group of deer.  
The bathroom has more than what you can ask for. Two sinks, a spacious bathtub big enough for two adults, a rainforest shower. Ryan sits on the bed while he lets Rafael discover all the details.

“Beautiful. I like it.” Rafaels resume is simple but fitting.

“You do now why they gave is this room?”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s their version of a honeymoon suit. All the other rooms are far enough so nobody can hear the noises coming from her.”

“So, what?”

“The last few years I got the downstairs room with the queen-sized bed, no view.”

“That would be alright with me, if you don’t like this room.” Is Ryan really complaining?

“No, it’s not that…forget it. I like this room.” Ryan grabs Rafael by the wrist pulling him closer. “Lay down its really comfortable.” He says with a wink.  
They both lay down on the bed.

“I can’t wait to use the bathtub.”  
Ryan rolls onto his side, puts one hand on Rafaels chest.

“Alone or with me?” 

Rafael pulls him down by pulling on Ryans shirt. They kiss and Ryan moves even closer.

“Would your friends mind if we stay in this room this entire weekend?” Rafael asks in between two kisses. Ryans hand is tracing the bare skin between the hem of Rafaels shirt and the waistband of his jeans. 

“It would get a little crowded with all of them in here, but if that’s what you want…” Ryan understood exactly what Rafael meant, but he turned it into joke.  
Causing Rafael to push him onto his back and climbing on top of him. Rafael puts Ryans hands above his head, holding him by his wrists. 

“Ryan! Come and meet your friends. And bring your sexy boyfriend with you!” A female voice, shouting through the house causes Ryan to laugh. He knows it’s his friend Amy. A loud mouth, no filters. 

“How does she know I am sexy?” 

“She knows my taste.”

~*~

It’s a lot to take in for Rafael, meeting five new people, all the names. They all seem to talk at the same time, it is very loud. A lot of hugs, handshakes, funny remarks.

“You were right Bobby, he is handsome.”

“Rafael, that is Amy and her husband Paul.”

“Steve and Iris, this is Rafael.”

“You look skinny Ryan.”

“He does. Did you lose weight again?”

“You are just jealous.”

“No, I am not Steve, I am concerned.”

“Rafael, that is Patricia, Bobby’s wife.”

“Nice to meet you Rafael.”

“This house is beautiful.”

“Yes, you outdid yourself again Tricia.”

“How about some beer?”

“Not now boys. We haven’t even seen our rooms yet.”

“Ryan and Rafael, got the room at the end of the hallway.”

“You are lucky. That room is beautiful.”  
“It’s the honeymoon suite.”

“Steve, let’s bring our luggage to our room. The drive was crazy, I need a little nap.”

“Paul, we should unpack, I could use a little nap as well.”

“Bobby, we need to go to the grocery store, remember?”

They all storm off to different directions, leaving Ryan and Rafael behind.  
Ryan takes in a deep breath. The first meeting went well according to him, he did however give Rafael a closer look. He seems overwhelmed.

“What do you think?”

“They seem nice.” Rafael couldn’t be vaguer. 

“They’re still sober, trust me it gets worse with alcohol. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

They go back to their room. Ryan falls asleep while Rafael unpacks. But he wakes up, to Rafael sleeping next to him, all cuddle up to him. 

The sounds coming from the kitchen, indicates that everybody else met for coffee.  
Ryan kisses Rafael awake.

When they join the rest of the group, Rafael is pulled away from Ryans side.  
His eyes follow in concern, but again Rafael his holding up well. Plus, he gets a big cup of coffee. The women are all over the older man, bombarding him with questions.  
Bobby puts an arm around Ryan’s shoulders and Paul does the same thing from the other side.

“It’s almost like watching the discovery channel. When a pack of lions hunt down a gazelle.”

“Well, gee, thanks for the comparison.”

“Rafael looks like he can handle it.”

They drink coffee and eat some homemade chocolate pie from Amy. Ryan is more nervous than Rafael, so he drinks three cups of coffee and he can already feel the caffeine kick in. Rafael is enjoying it, chatting with the three women surrounding him, sharing jokes, laughing. They look over at Ryan every once in a while, which makes him feel uneasy.   
Bobby, Paul and Steve go outside onto the patio to fire up the grill.

Ryan stays, hoping for Rafael to join them, he doesn’t want to leave him behind alone.

“Oh, Jesus relax Ryan. He is still in one piece.” Amy makes fun of Ryan.

“We will give him back to you, don’t worry.” 

The women start on their preparation part for dinner. Rafael excuses himself and follows Ryan outside.  
Ryan gives him a concerned look, checking if Rafael is really alright. “Your friends are lovely. I can see why you like them.” Rafael whispers into Ryan’s ear, petting his back softly.

“Rafael what’s your poison?” Sitting down on the comfortable patio furniture, Bobby hands out beer.

“Beer is fine.” Rafael doesn’t want to make any trouble.

“He likes Scotch and Bourbon.” Ryan adds, bumping his knee against Rafaels.

“Oh, I can get you something if you want.” Bobby already on his feet again.

“No, no, beer is fine, really.” 

The group of men start talking, about their jobs, their wives, their kids…well the other three men who actually are married and have kids. Bobby likes to go hunting when he is not busy working on one of the houses, Paul owns a hardware store and Steve works at a bank.  
They get interested in Rafael’s job, why he became a lawyer. They are impressed that he went to Harvard.   
They’re on their third round of beer when Paul pulls out a packet of cigarettes, offering one to everybody. Bobby and Steve accept the offer. Rafael declines.  
As a reflex Paul offers Ryan one as well and it is obvious that Ryan would usually accept. But Rafael has never seen him smoke, he doesn’t even know that Ryan smokes. Ryan hesitates, looking over at Rafael. “No, thanks.” he says.

“Since when did you stop smoking?” he blurts out.

“Since recently.” 

The other three guys see the way Ryan looks blushed. “Alright.” Bobby responds, knowing that Rafael is the reason he doesn’t smoke.  
Their conversation picks up again, Ryan can feel the way Rafael is looking at him, but he doesn’t look back.

It’s not until Rafael checks his phone and gets up. “I have to make a call, sorry.” He excuses himself from the group.  
He walks away from the house, leaning on a fence, overviewing the landscape surrounding the house.   
Ryan gives him a few minutes before he follows.

Rafael is still on his phone, so Ryan keeps his distance, not eavesdropping. “I love you too, I will call you Sunday, promesa.”   
He hangs up and Ryan moves closer, standing before Rafael, his hands in his pockets, looking at his feet in the grass. “That was my mother. I told her I would call her.”

Ryan nods.

“Isn’t it beautiful? The fresh air, trees, birds chirping…” Rafael speaks in appreciation.

“I don’t mind if you smoke, you know?” 

“I was going to quiet anyways.” Still not looking at Rafael in embarrassment.

“But you usually smoke?”

“Occasionally.” 

“Come here!” Rafael directs him closer, leaning against the fence with his back, he puts is arms around Ryan’s neck. 

“Relax, it’s ok.” With one hand on Ryan’s chin he pushes his head up a little, forcing the younger men to look at him. “Stop worrying! Everything is going great, I like your friends and they don’t seem that scary to me.”

Ryan sighs and nods his head. It has only been a couple of hours, there is a lot more to come, they have barely scratched the surface. He wishes now, that he hadn’t asked Rafael to come. He just has this feeling in his gut, that tells him it wasn’t a good idea.

Rafael would like to know what Ryan is thinking, but he doesn’t ask. He pulls Ryan in closer for a kiss.

The rest of the group watched them and simultaneously produce an ‘Aww’.

Ryan puts his forehead against Rafael’s laughing, of course his friends are watching them.


	5. Weekend getaway - Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be one chapter, but it got to long so I had to split it up. Here is part two.

Ryan and Rafael rejoin the group. The dinner is delicious and they are all stuffed. It gets cold outside now that the sun is settling, so they go back into the house. The dining room offers a big squared wooden table, with benches on each side. 

Before getting seated Amy makes up this rule, which she swears they had for years – couples can’t share a bench. Ryan ends up with Amy and Rafael with Paul. At least they sit at the same corner for the table, their knees touching. Bobby starts serving drinks, cocktails for the lady’s, beer for Steve and Paul. Rafael, Ryan and Bobby share the new bottle of scotch. 

“So how do you guys all know each other?” Rafael comes up with a good question.

“We all went to the same High School. What year did you arrive?” Bobby starts ending with a question for Ryan.

“Sophomore year.”

“That’s right, October of 9th Grade.” 

“I made the mistake of sitting at the wrong table during lunch.”

“Out of all tables, he chooses the football teams.” Amy adds.

“Bobby was on the football team.” Patricia explains.

“You put he didn’t pick on me. He came to help me before a fight broke out.”

“Even though you didn’t need my help.”

“I disagree.” Ryan laughs. “They were throwing my backpack around, the tray with my food landed in my lap.”

“He was about to punch the captain of the team.” Paul remembers

“That’s when Bobby pulled me aside, helped me clean myself up and made sure those guys stop picking at me.”

“The next day I made sure Ryan sad next to me for lunch. We did that every day until Graduation.” 

“Amy and Steve were in my math class. Paul and I had English together and Patricia was friends with Amy.” 

“I met Iris in 10th Grade, she was at another school, but changed schools a few months after that.” Steve explains.

That conversation brought on more. They talked about old teachers, the football team, the girls trying out for cheerleading, dating and so on.

“So, wait who dated who?” Rafael dares to ask.

“Well Ryan and I had a thing, once.” Amy confesses.

Ryan takes a big sip from his glass. He can tell Rafael wanted more. “It was one date.” Ryan adds. Leaving out some details. Amy on the other hand is in a sharing mood. “I was the first girl he kissed.” 

“You guys didn’t just kiss.” Bobby blurts out, typically.

He is sitting across from Ryan and Ryan uses that to kick Bobby’s shin.

Bobby jumps up a little. “What was that for?”

“Don’t be embarrassed, honey. It was a million years ago.” Amy gives Ryan a kiss on his cheek. “We had sex.” He explains to Rafael, but he already got the picture. 

Bobby and Patricia started dating in middle school, on and off until college. They got married at 21. Now they have three kids.  
Steve and Iris, as mentioned before, met in 10th Grade. Ten years they have been married, dated other people between High School and then.  
Amy and Paul hated each other for years, went to the same College and started dating. They have been married for 5 years, no kids yet, same as Steve and Iris.

“Remember that horrible Home Coming junior year?” Amy gets out a picture from her purse.

Everybody is on there, expect Ryan. 

“Where were you?” follows Rafael’s question. 

“He couldn’t find a date, so he didn’t want to come. You didn’t miss a thing honey, the music was awe full.” Without even knowing Amy started a topic that was visibly uncomfortable for Ryan. 

“Wait I thought you had a date?” Steve remembers it a little different.

Ryan is quiet, unusually quiet, emptying his glass of scotch fairly quickly. 

“Didn’t you have some trouble with your mum? Right Bobby, that’s what you told me?” Patricia joins in.

Bobby gives Ryan a concerned look. Without warning the topic went down south to fast for Ryan. 

“I need some air.” He gets up quickly and leaves.

“Ryan honey, what’s wrong?” Everyone is confused by his reaction. Bobby follows him.

Paul left his cigarettes outside so Ryan takes one. Lighting it and taking a long deep puff. 

He is facing the forest, which he can’t make out anymore now that it’s so dark. He can hear Bobby’s footsteps behind him.

“It thought you quiet?”

“Every year. Every year we talk about that stupid Home Coming. How you guys where having a great time even though the music sucked. God, I hate this.”

“They forgot.” 

“Of course, they did, they had a fun time. I didn’t.”

They stand quietly for a few minutes.

“How much does Rafael know?”

“Nothing, not a single bit.” Ryan lights a second cigarette but Bobby takes it away from him. “I don’t think I ever even mentioned my mother’s name.”

“I can’t do this Bobby, he won’t understand. I mean I don’t even understand it. That’s why I didn’t want to bring him, I don’t want him to find out. But of course Amy has to talk about every fucking detail. Did he really have to know that I slept with Amy?”

“He kind of asked.”

“Well it would’ve been enough for him to know that we dated. He would’ve been fine with that.”  
Ryan sits down on the edge of the patio. 

A third person appears, Rafael.

“I am going back inside.” Bobby leaves the two of them alone.

Rafael comes closer, but still keeps a little distance.

“Everything ok?” Rafael has to start with something.

Ryan sighs and then laughs, ending with something that sounds like a cry.

He taps onto the patio, asking Rafael to sit next to him.

It’s time, Rafael needs to know.

“My mum is an alcoholic; always has been since the day I can remember. She didn’t have a job. I went to eight different schools before High School. Each year a new school. Each year a new boyfriend for my mother. We lived at their homes, were depending on their money. And my mother sure knew how to pick’em. Still does. Alcohol, drugs and other substance abuse, criminals.”

“I knew what domestic violence was before I could spell.”

“I hated those guys and they hated me. I didn’t have any friends, before I meet these idiots.”

“I hate my mother. I hate who she treads herself, lets men tread her. I can’t believe she just sat there and watch those guys abuse me…”

“…verbally”

“…physically”

“and sexually.”

“When I was seventeen she wanted to move to Canada with some guy in his RV. I snuck out one night, begged Bobby’s parents to let me stay. I couldn’t handle it anymore, it was either that or killing myself.”

“Bobby’s parents didn’t ask any questions. They accepted me and helped me where they could. It was the best time of my life. I finally had a home. I didn’t see my mother for four years. Until she came crawling back, drunk, bruises in her face, broke.”

“When is the last time you talked to her?”

“Christmas two years ago. She got arrested and they called me.”

“She stole liquor and got busted. I paid the fine and she left.”

“How old were you?” 

Ryan looked at Rafael, he knows exactly what age Rafael is talking about.

“I was fourteen, it was my birthday to be exact.”

Rafael takes in a deep breath.

“How long did it go on?”

“Three years. Then he kicked us out.” 

Ryan’s face was covered in tears, but not Rafael wipes over his face as well. 

“You know that doesn’t change anything? I doesn’t change who you are for me, how I feel about you?” Rafael moves closer to Ryan, bring his arm around his back. Ryan flinches slightly.

“It explains somethings but mostly it makes me respect you a lot more.”

“I am a lot like her, my mother you know? I have a tendency to drink too much, the smoking. I have never been in a serious relationship. For god’s sake, I am 34. All of my friends are married and I have never even lived with someone.”

“Neither have I and I am a few years older than you. You are nothing like your mother. You certainly wouldn’t do this job if you were anything like her.”  
Ryan rests his head on Rafaels shoulder and gets a kiss on the forehead from the older men.

~*~

It is almost midnight when Ryan and Rafael come back inside. They spent more than an hour outside.  
Amy gets up and gives Ryan a hug. “I am so sorry.” She cries into his ears.  
He just holds her and cry it out. The rest of them join for a group hug.  
Ryan has told Rafael that his friends know, they know about the abuse. Not in all grueling details, though. Bobby is the only one who knows absolutely everything.  
They sit back down and Ryan recalls the story of that Home coming. He didn’t have a date, but was thinking about going anyways, to be with his friends. He stayed undecided until that night. When he wanted to leave the house, he didn’t get a chance to. His stepfather beat him up and raped him. It was Bobby who found Ryan, the next morning. He had dragged himself out of the house, looking for help he went to his best friend’s house.  
Shortly after that he moved in with Bobby and his family.

~*~

Ryan takes a shower before heading to bed with Rafael. They huddle together, Rafael pulling the blanket over them. When Rafael keeps starring at him, while Ryan has his eyes closed trying to go to sleep, it scares Ryan. Will Rafael be alright? Will he look at Ryan differently knowing the ugly truth? He is afraid to ask, doesn’t want to think, so he starts kissing Rafael. Heavily and moving forward in a fast manner. Maybe some intimacy will take his mind off the events from this evening. And it will certainly show him if Rafael can get past the knowledge that Ryan was abused as a child, not see him as a victim who could brake under his touch. 

After taking off his shirt and boxer briefs, Ryan pulls Rafael on top of him. Holding him down with one hand on Rafael’s neck and the other on his back. He doesn’t give Rafael’s lips a chance to talk, he keeps kissing him, biting his lips, his tongue hitting Rafael’s.

Ryan holds Rafael’s hip in place, his thighs wrapped around him. It feels amazing losing himself in those movements. Rafael thrusting hard and fast against him, his hands on Ryans ass.  
Rafael collapses back onto to bed, out of breath. They don’t talk, trying to get their breathing under control again. 

Not long after Rafael is sound asleep, Ryan on the other hand is wide awake. He watches the other man sleep peacefully. 

He gets dressed to get some water. On his way back from the kitchen, Ryan notices Bobby sitting outside on the patio. Even though its cold he accompanies him.

“You’re still up?”

“I could ask you the same.” Bobby points out.

“Point taken.”

“You feeling better?” Bobby asks carefully.

Ryan looks at him with a delicate smile. “I had to tell him at some point.”

“I agree, but do you feel better now that you did?”

“I am not sure. I am just afraid he will look at me different now. I guess I have to wait and see, give him some time to process, you know.”

“Give him time.” Bobby agrees.

“Oh, hey Rafael forgot his phone out here, I wanted to bring it to you, but well…you guys were busy.” There is this weird grin on Bobby’s face, half embarrassed half of enjoyment.

It takes Ryan a second to realize what his friend is talking about. He puts his hand on his face. “Oh God, please tell me you didn’t hear us?”

“Well I certainly heard you say, ‘Oh God’, didn’t know you were religious.”

“Just shut up.” Ryan takes Rafael’s phone out of Bobby’s hand. 

“I am glad you are liking the room so much.” Bobby must speak up in order for Ryan to hear those words, because the Detective is on his way back inside. 

Luckily Rafael is still asleep when Ryan gets back. He puts the water and the phone down on the nightstand and crawls back into bed.

~*~

Turning over in bed Ryan notices the other half of the bed being empty.

He slowly opens his eyes, Rafael is nowhere in sight. 

“Rafael?” he calls out but there is no answer. He gets up slowly to go check in the bathroom. Rafael is nowhere to be found. Noises coming from the kitchen tell Ryan the others are awake. 

He puts on sweatpants and a matching jacket before walking out. Patricia hears his barefoot on the floor first. “Only one man walking around barefoot all year, dressed in warm clothes.” She kisses Ryan on the cheek. “Morning.” She adds.

Ryan was incorrect, only the women and Rafael were awake, preparing breakfast for the group.

A delicious smell of coffee and pancakes sneak up Ryans nose. He takes a seat at the counter, sporting a very sleepy face.

“I like what you did to your hair today.” Iris points out his funny bed hair.

As expected Rafael looks perfect again and he smells good. Ryan loves his cologne.

“Good morning, did you sleep well?” Rafael asks, handing Ryan a cup of coffee.

“Until I woke up alone, yes.” They kiss earning them another ‘Aww’.

“Try this, Rafael is cooking something up for lunch.” Amy stuffs a spoon into Ryans face.

Rafael can cook very well, Ryan had the opportunity to see that personally a view times, but it is still very early for his stomach to accept food. He wants to be a good sport though.  
Still he makes a weird face afterwards. “Wow that is really spicy.”

Rinsing his mouth with coffee.

“Well he is Cuban, it has to be spicy.”

“But not at 8 in the morning.”

His mug is empty. “I am going to take a shower.”

He doesn’t take it alone, Rafael joins him. “They wouldn’t let me stay in the kitchen.”

“Well my bad.”

~*~

Bobby takes Paul and Steve hunting, or at least they look for deer and shot some guns. Iris and Patricia go shopping. Rafael, Ryan take a walk, while Amy stays to read a book.  
The lunch Rafael prepared is delicious and they all get so stuffed they need to take naps.  
Ryan is the first one to be awake. He sees a man sitting on the patio, no one from the group.

“Can I help you?” he asks the young man.

Military haircut, camouflage and a scare on his right cheek reminds Ryan of someone.

“Ah sorry, but is Bobby here?”

“Who wants to know?”

“I am Jesse. Bobby’s brother, remember?”

Ryan hasn’t seen Jesse since High School. He starts smiling at the guy. “Of course, I remember you, sorry but you are all grown up I didn’t recognize you.”

They hug just in time for Bobby to appear.

“Jesse, everything alright?” He asks his brother with worry.

“Yes, sir. Was just checking on you.”

“Well we are fine, thank you.”

“Good, I am heading back then. Call me if you need anything.”

They watch Jesse walk away.

“His body is home, but his mind isn’t.” Bobby sighs.

“How many tours did he do?”

“Two in Afghanistan, one in Iraq. Now he’s got this shit PTSD going on. The medication helps, but he can’t hold a job, keeps patrolling our properties.”

They sit down for a smoke. “I can’t believe you never told me?” Bobby blurts out suddenly.

Understandably confused Ryan looks at him. “About you and Jesse. I thought we were best friends?”

“Wait, we are, we were…how did you?”

“Jesse told me, told me he was gay and you were the only one he ever told.”

“He trusted me, because he saw how open I was about my sexuality. I am sorry Bobby it was not my place to tell you.”

“Did you ever?”

“Did we ever what?”

“Did you have sex with Jesse?”

“Bobby stop being ridiculous. He was twelve when we graduated High School. I wasn’t going to do the same sick stuff that happened to me.”  
“But something happened between you two, you stopped talking before Graduation.”

Now Ryan sighs. “Jesse came into my bed one night. He asked me if he could kiss me and…you know. I told him to get out, that I wasn’t interested in him.”  
Bobby only nods his head a bit. 

They drive into town for dinner, then get back for drinks. They play a few board games, but they get to drunk to really finish anything.  
Rafael heads off to bed first, whispering in Ryan’s ear. “I am going to take a bath. You can join me, if you want.” Ryan waits a few minutes, finishes his drink and then gets into the bathtub with Rafael.

That night they don’t get a lot of sleep, being too busy with each other. They start a heavy make out session in the bathtub and move over to the bedroom without drying off.  
When they accidentally fall of the bed knocking over a lamp, they can hear footsteps in the hallway followed by a gentle knock on the door. “You guys ok in there?” Patricia’s voice is heard.  
Still being on the floor next to the bed, Rafael and Ryan start laughing. “We’re good. Good night Tricia.”  
They end up in bed again, exhausted and satisfied.

Ryan is about to fall asleep, with Rafael caressing his chest. “You should tell Liv.”  
Ryan’s eyes open wide. “Why?”

“Because she will understand, she might actually be able to help you. Working SVU must be killing you. If she knows, she might…”

“She might what? Keep me off cases with children? Put me in a plastic bubble? I am not going to tell her and you won’t either. I can do my job. I have been doing it before you knew.”

“You told me you could never get used to it, maybe you are right?”

“I am not going to transfer, if that’s what you want.”

“I don’t want you to drive yourself crazy working SVU with your background.”

“My background? Do you even know any cop that doesn’t come from some sort of dysfunctional family? Hell, we all have our package to carry, some bigger than others. That’s what I thrive off. I know how those kids feel, I can see it in their eyes and they can feel that I do know what they are talking about.” 

“Promise me that you get help, when it gets too much?”

“You don’t have to worry.”

“Just do me the favor and promise?”

“Fine, I promise.”

~*~

The group has a long breakfast together and it seems like nobody wants to leave. Unfortunately, Steve and Iris have to get going, they have the longest drive. Amy and Paul are second to leave. 

Ryan and Rafael help clean up until Tricia throws them out. Bobby gives them long hugs before letting them drive off.

They take their time driving back, stopping for lunch, a little sightseeing on the way as well. It starts to get dark when Ryan drops off Rafael at his apartment. They’ve talked about staying over one more night, but they both have to be back to the office tomorrow, it’s just not worth it.

When Ryan gets to his apartment, the door is open. He takes out his gun before he walks in. At first sight, he can’t see anybody. A snore coming from the couch makes him jump. He recognizes the blond curly dirty hair within seconds. 

“Well hello mum.” He sighs perched down next to his mother’s face. She stinks of alcohol and sweat.

At least nobody broke into his home. His mother has a key, even though Ryan was sure she was going to lose it. There are empty bottles in the kitchen, food containers. The whole place smells like cigarette smoke. There is money missing from his secret stash, somebody slept in his bed and toke some of Ryan’s clothes. The bathroom is a mess, there is residue of cocaine. 

His mother sure knows how to party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am dying for comments over here!!!


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